Wanna know who's responsible for the catalogue of Christmas customs we endure every 12 months? Ho ho ho! (A hefty pinch of salt may be required for some answers, a ho ho ho!)
AKA (SANTA, SANTA CLAUS, ST NOEL - amongst others)
It's 3pm, you're stuffed like the Christmas Turkey, Gran has passed out... Do what? The Queen's Speech? C'mon Grandad - I just opened my new X-box, do we have to???
I know what would be a good idea! Kill that tree there, put it in the house, ideally next to the radiator or somewhere nice and snug, after all it's pretty chilly outside. Watch the needles fall off, tidy up around it for a couple of weeks, and then bin it. Ace.
Not enough room under the tree? We need some pre-present presents to open!
Damn fine scram Mrs Winkletrimmer, but do you know what? There's one thing that would really top this fine festive feast off. Some brussel sprouts Mrs Winkletrimmer! Yup, sprouts...
Red noses eh? Dead giveaway for a multitude of sins... But Rudolph, saintly Rudolph? What's he been up to?
Chirpy, cheeky little fellas beavering away all year to help spread yuletide joy. Bless 'em.
Twinkle twinkle, shimmer shimmer... let this tree be no longer dimmer.
Guilt missives through the letterbox... who the hell is Aunty Doreen? And as for Gladys, thought she passed away back in 2009.
Cracking Christmas crooning, cacophany of crap, or something altogether more sinister?...
Beneath that cold exterior is a warm slushy heart… made of... errm.. more slush!
Brrrrr, there’s a chill in the air, and it’s you! Cool on the Crimbo cheer and know how…
It’s obvious you couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts about Crimbo. That’s right, sod you Santa and all with your seasonal cheer!
Crikey - move over Tinkerbell. What you don’t know about Xmas ain't worth a know ho ho ho’ing